Dear Goddamned Beagle, Seven years and ten days ago a bug-eyed raccoon x dog x cat x goat creature stared
Author: Marjie
An Announcement of Worse Boredom
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I’m sorry. What more can I say? Human lives are different than dogs’ lives in several ways.
Hello Cutie Pie!
Dear Goddamned Beagle, According to the internet, which is never wrong, dogs are able to perceive nearly twice as many
It’s Been A While, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, It has been a while, I know. A very long while. There is a word in human,
I Still Win, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I am not someone who enjoys Fritos. I should, I guess, as I like other salty, crunchy
You’re Disgusting, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Yesterday we had a very rare day off. I celebrated by starting off with an extra-long stationary
Oh Really, Wendy?
Dear Goddamned Beagle, We have been fogey-sitting now for days. Many days. Hundreds and hundreds of days. I move from
Seeing Eye
Dear Goddamned Beagle, You’re aware, I assume, of the exploits and heroism of some of your colleagues. There are dogs
First Things First
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Today we received a note from a couple of your colleagues asking for an update on your
So It’s Come To This, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I have missed you. I have. I’ve been traveling too much, doing my part to contribute to
Parental Controls
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I have concerns. When we go to bed at night, me under my covers, you leaning against
Tools of the Trade
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Once again I’ve delayed in catching up in our correspondence. This is mostly due to my untenable
I’ve Been Remiss, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, You must forgive me. It’s been a very busy few months, and I simply haven’t had time
Good Thing I’m a Professional
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I spend an inordinate amount of time on video conferences and on the phone. You might not
Not So Fast on the Rebound
Dear Goddamned Beagle, This was your third Somerville Dog Festival with me; three September Sundays of riding around a fairground
Change Is For Slot Machines
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Today is National Dog Day, so I feel I should try to clarify recent events out of
This Is A Bad Idea, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, You’ve had some bad ideas in the past. Last night, for instance, when the Things and She
I Knew You Looked Familiar
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I saw it immediately the day I met you. Well, immediately after I’d seen past the scabby,
City Rabbits
Dear Goddamned Dog, Sure, you play a good game, but yesterday I saw what domestication has really accomplished for the
Ciao, Beagle!
Dear Goddamned Beagle, If I’ve learned anything in my roughly six decades, it’s that I never know what I’m going
The Winter of Your Discontent
Dear Goddamned Beagle, There are times when you are nothing short of Shakespearean in your misery. “It is enough,” you
Canis Scientia
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Since your arrival here, you’ve had the privilege of working and living alongside world-class scientists. You’ve watched
Two Years Gone
Dear Goddamned Dog, It was two years today. Thing 2 came home from school after your pain became unendurable. We
It’s Good You Can Finally Relax
Dear Goddamned Beagle, All in all, you did a very good job of keeping it together. The last time we
The Squirrel
Dear Goddamned Beagle, This was my afternoon. A knock on the front door. No one’s expected, and you’re being walked
Loyal Like a Dog
Dear Goddamned Beagle, You have many talents I will admit. You can run, often with heavy appliances or tools in
Horizontal For The Holidays
Dear Goddamned Beagle, This has not been the easiest week. Massive amounts of work, a difficult funeral and multiple social
The Most Wonderful Day of the Year
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Last year, our first Thanksgiving together, I remember gazing with pride at the results of my professional
Don’t Make Me Get the Razor Wire, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, That you are a master of attention-seeking behavior is not in question. Since your arrival more than
You’re Using That Wrong, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, A few weeks ago you had very serious surgery. I was told to keep you quiet, and
The Morning After
Dear Goddamned Beagle, You had a big day yesterday. It started at about 5:00 am, and by 5:00 pm you
Towel Dry
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I’m not gonna lie – you get pretty rank. It’s mostly not your fault. In the interest
Maybe a Little Dramatic, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, OK, it’s cooler today. I’ll give you that. And yes, it’s been a rough few days, with
Not Bad, For An Old Dog
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I’m not sure why people say I haven’t taught you anything. In the year-or-so since we first
You Had ONE Job, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I believe you’ve understood that we have a dozen-or-so behavior professionals staying with us here starting today
Levity Pure
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I feel for you. I do. Yesterday you were just minding your own business, burritoed and cozy, curled
Welcome to the Neighborhood, Blue
Dear Goddamned Dog, There have been a lot of girl dogs in this house. You didn’t know them, but Emma,
Don’t Judge, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, While you might enjoy a natural fitness, keeping your tone by a strict regimen of sleeping, eating
One Of THOSE Mornings
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I’m writing this from my bed at half past midnight as you snore gently, burritoed beside me
I Owe You One, Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I really owe you one this time. I was trying to be a good owner (we can
Seasons Are For The Birds
Dear Goddamned Beagle, My apologies. A mere few days ago you were in the hopeful throes of your first New
While The Person’s Away…
Dear Goddamned Marjie, The pet sitter has my couch blanket UPSTAIRS and is sitting with me next to the fireplace
Tax Day
Dear Goddamned Beagle, You’re not helping. I know this is our first time together at tax season, but in the
Missing
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I’m used to scanning my environment at all times these days in preparation for what you have
Could She Have Eaten Anything?
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Whatever you ate, it seems this time you’ve been bested. Far from your usual “one bad
March Blizzard
Dear Goddamned Beagle, We just received this text: Dear Beagle, It gets better. Love, Your Dogmother Good to know you’re
What WAS That?
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I saw it just as you did – some amorphous blob of putty-peanut butter-colored stuff tucked between
Happy Birthday Beagz!
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Congratulations on turning seven today! While I suspect you may have turned seven at least once before,
To Warm, Perchance To Reach
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Winter is upon us, but this is your first time spending the season out of the Tennessee trailer
Every Girl Has Her Limits
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Since your arrival you have experienced many things. You have met and welcomed myriad strangers into various