A Bird In The Hand

Dear Goddamned Beagle,

Feet and heads are normally separated by a body. This is an important part of anatomy, and one that, frankly, I’m used to.

So imagine my consternation when you arrived from the dog yard this morning with feet sticking out of your mouth. Just feet, hanging there while you casually walked past me with a “nothing to see here” glance and headed for the kitchen door.

Just a note here, Beagle: I am fairly familiar with your kind, and most dogs do not walk with their mouths closed. That, plus the feet, kind of gave you away.

While I appreciate your eventual willingness to drop your victim on the deck in exchange for the cup of kibble, that still left me to pick up the bird with a shovel and toss it away. I had not had coffee yet, Goddamned dog, and so my aim was poor. The corpse now lies on the garage roof, its dead eyes staring at me with the recrimination of its ancestors saying, “The Swissies never did this.”

I did not want a beagle. I will remind you of this from time to time, and today is definitely one of those times.


Your Person


  1. I empathize. I have cleaned up many “parts”, if you will, the result of a great big game hunt by the beagle. The casual “yah what s up ?” look always just seals the deal on the entire experience.
    The dead possum on the recently cleaned carpets was the pinnacle, after of course flinging it about in the house at 3 a.m.
    Pain in the beagle, is term around our home.
    Would not change it for the world…

  2. I recently had to replace my couch because my goddamn lap dog decided to become one with his wolf ancestors and disemboweled a birdie on the sofa. Imagine my surprise when I was working hard on my laptop and ignoring the lap monster, so he brought his freshly caught “toy” inside and sat next to me. I only noticed when I felt something wet on my feet, which were propped up on the couch. Black birds have a good bit more blood and innards than one would expect from a small creature! The GD lap dog was so proud of himself, he didn’t even flinch when I started screaming and leaping around like a banshee! In short, I feel your pain!!

  3. I’ve got a 12 year old beagle who can snatch a bird out of midair. We’ve had words about it in the past, nevertheless, she persists…

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