Dear Goddamned Dog,

While I appreciate your sudden bent toward tidiness, your new habit of finding pieces of ice melt that have fallen from people’s shoes and eating it, loudly, with a smacking/crunching noise is not OK.

Paw safe though it may be, it’s not INTESTINE safe, or ESOPHAGUS safe you tweaked out little salt junky Swiss thing. Plus those eating noises are like being trapped in a geriatric diner on burned toast and tapioca day, and are causing me to lose my mind.

Further, if you’re going to do this then game on – but you are not allowed to then be afraid of the vacuum cleaner. I’m not buying that for one minute. You just want me to leave the ice melt alone.


Your Person

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