Training A Thing

Dear Goddamned Dog,

Your brilliance is always lurking, but today I watched you train your Thing.

Yes, I have always rewarded you for looking at me the minute we step outside – the better to hamper your instinct to search for marauding Nazis and Werewolves in the bushes. Thing 1 did not remember this.

So I watched out my window as you refused to move from the porch. He pleaded, pulled, flapped his arms in frustration, yet you did not budge. Then you both looked through the window in my direction.

Thing 1: Jesus, what’s up with the dog?

Dog: Jesus, what’s up with the Thing?

I came out and explained, the Thing gave you your piece of cheese and together you walked happily away in the sunshine, Thing 1 looking forward, you giving just one glance back at me: “He’ll get it someday. Thanks for the assist. You’ve really got to fill him in better next time.”

My apologies, Goddamned Dog.


Your Person


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