Dear Goddamned Dog,

I’d like to talk to you about covers and beds. You see, you have fur, which automatically makes you warm, and therefore technically able to sleep without covers.

I however, do need covers to keep warm. Also, I bought a king-sized bed to share, not so that you could hog it, extending your mass across the entire mattress. Note that when you’ve spread yourself to roughly eighty inches square of surface area, that only allows you to be about ½” thick. No wonder you need covers.

Regardless, it is not nice to then ball yourself up in the center of the bed, taking all the covers with you as you form a dollop of taunting warmth I can only steal a corner of from time to time.

While I’ve learned to accommodate by hiding a small throw under my pillow to prevent late night hypothermia, it seems unfair, somehow, that you’ve got the comforter, the blanket and the sheet. The 1200 thread count, 100% brushed Egyptian cotton sheet.

Today I bought a fiber-fill twin sized comforter for your dog bed. I’d like you to know that I intend this to be for your use and not mine. Just to be clear.


Your Person

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