Dear Goddamned Beagle, First, let me say that I agree with your opinion about recent changes around here. I don’t
Pre- The Holidays
Dear Goddamned Beagle, This will be our first holiday season together, and with Thanksgiving arriving this week, it’s important I at
Beagle Therapy
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I’m not gonna lie – it’s been a tough couple of weeks. More than a couple, really,
Howloween
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Perhaps you felt it in the air. Something’s definitely been up, because let’s face it, for the
We Have Always Been The Caretakers
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Some weeks ago we received a letter in a small green envelope. Written on the outside was,
Bored
Dear Goddamned Beagle, As part of your life with me there are some things you’ll have to accept. I travel
Maid of Honor
Dear Goddamned Beagle, It was going pretty well until you tried to steal the cheese platter. To be fair, your
P. A. T.
Dear Goddamned Beagle, In my field we have lots of acronyms. Acronyms are letters that, when put together, relieve a
Dining Al Fresco
Dear Goddamned Beagle, I believe congratulations are in order as today you experienced outdoor, seaside dining for the first time.
Fancy Footwear
Dear Goddamned Beagle, Really? You are an adult dog. Though it’s true that your actions often belie your age, your days
Winter Is Coming
Dear Goddamned Dog, Fifty-six. It is fifty-six degrees out, and you’re shivering hard enough to shake this computer as you
Playing The Big Leagues
Dear Goddamned Puppy,
It is true that the world loves you, and that everyone thinks you’re cute.
Well, almost everyone.
Burrito
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
Normally I wouldn’t say self control is your strong suit. You leap, you chase, you steal, you’re busy beagling 24/7, making your opinions and desires known to all.
Fries Frenzy
I’m just going to come out and say it: You were horrible last night. There’s really no point in denying it, Beagle. You were incessant and annoying, and frankly disruptive.
Office Nap
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
I understand how exhausted you must be. Jumping up on to a desk and stealing someone’s lunch in under 5 seconds really takes it out of a person.
Bones Do Rain From The Sky
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
Of late we’ve been working on curbing your lightening-fast and revolting habit of finding every scrap of organic material on the ground and eating it. Dead things, littered food scraps, often-unidentifiable orts of grossness all warrant intense scrutiny, and often ingestion.
Slightly Under The Weather
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
I’m very sorry you’re under the weather. No fun to have nasty things happening at all ends, and it’s clear you feel lousy.
Actual Training
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
You pull like a freight train. You steal people’s lunches. You regularly have to be removed from tables.
Just A Bad Day I Guess
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
I don’t know what’s up with you today. Perhaps it’s the weather, maybe the impending trip, maybe the lack of available Things to focus on, but if you don’t mind me saying so, you’re completely off your head.
A Bird In The Hand
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
Feet and heads are normally separated by a body. This is an important part of anatomy, and one that, frankly, I’m used to.
Pandora’s Beagle
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
I do understand that until recently no one had thought to teach your brilliant mind about things like higher learning. Or sit. Or down.
So though it may seem premature in your education, I’m going to refer you to the classics and a story about Pandora’s Box
Plates
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
About plates. Plates are for people. In particular, plates next to where I sit are for me. This is important to note as I’m currently the human saving your ghastly ass from the glue factory, so you might want to try and remember it.
Welcome To The Family, Beagz
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
I, too, tilt my head at the person who would say she wanted you, pursue you avidly, and then change her mind at the last minute on you, her third beagle, claiming, “I’m just not sure I want a dog who howls.”
Remorse
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
Re·morse ( rəˈmôrs/ noun )
Deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed.
I realize this is not a concept familiar to your Beagley kind, so it’s not completely your fault.
Leave It
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
“Leave it” is, I understand, both a concept and a command you’re unfamiliar with.
Rain Averse
Dear Goddamned Beagle,
You routinely try to catch, and possibly kill things with your mouth.
Goodbye, Addie
Dear Goddamned Dog,
I’m writing now as I will from now on, to the empty corners of every room, to the dozen years past, to the millions of things and places that will forever remind me of you.
Boofing to be Heard
Dear Goddamned Dog,
I am very sorry you don’t feel well. This much at least is clear.
Rain And Christmas Cookies
Dear Goddamned Dog,
We have to talk about rain. And Christmas cookies, but rain first.
Begging
Dear Goddamned Dog,
I believe I asked you to stop begging when I eat a banana at my desk.
I Must Be A Little Thick
Dear Goddamned Dog,
I apologize for not understanding.
Festival Clean Up
Dear Goddamned Dog,
Dozens of 10′ tents; hundreds of pounds of gear and paper goods
One More Hill To Climb
The first time I saw Addie in person she was nine weeks old and shrieking to get out of the
Body Language
Dear Goddamned Dog,
Much is made of dog body language in my circles, and many an assumption has been made of a dog’s emotional state based on a single photograph.
Training A Thing
Dear Goddamned Dog,
Your brilliance is always lurking, but today I watched you train your Thing.
Crunching
Dear Goddamned Dog, While I appreciate your sudden bent toward tidiness, your new habit of finding pieces of ice melt
Shredding
Dear Goddamned Dog,
This weather is not my fault. Not the wind, not the cold, not the hooded men with machines, not the salt on the walkways.
Thanksgiving Menu
Dear Goddamned Dog, Happy Thanksgiving. Love, Your Person
Leftovers
Dear Goddamned Dog, I understand how bonding it is for families to eat meals together, and also that your current
Birthday Cheer
Dear Goddamned Dog, It’s that time again – the time when we both get a year older. I must say
Hedgehog Hinting
Dear Goddamned Dog, This computer provides the employment that pays for your organic unicorn meat and bluebonnet petal food, your
Private Bathroom Requirements
Dear Goddamned Dog, You are Swiss. This means you like snow. Alps. Cheese. Cuckoo clocks. Really even grass trimmed with
Ocean Recall
Dear Goddamned Dog, I do understand that the ocean took you by surprise, but trust me, you will recover. I’d
Covers
I’d like to talk to you about covers and beds. You see, you have fur, which automatically makes you warm, and therefore technically able to sleep without covers.
Trying To Cut Back
Dear Goddamned Dog,
I’ve just had to explain to your veterinarian that you don’t smoke.