Category: Goddamned Beagle

Dear Goddamned Beagle, Some weeks ago we received a letter in a small green envelope. Written on the outside was,

Dear Goddamned Beagle, As part of your life with me there are some things you’ll have to accept. I travel

Dear Goddamned Beagle, It was going pretty well until you tried to steal the cheese platter. To be fair, your

Dear Goddamned Beagle, In my field we have lots of acronyms. Acronyms are letters that, when put together, relieve a

Dear Goddamned Beagle, I believe congratulations are in order as today you experienced outdoor, seaside dining for the first time.

Dear Goddamned Beagle, Really? You are an adult dog. Though it’s true that your actions often belie your age, your days

Dear Goddamned Dog, Fifty-six. It is fifty-six degrees out, and you’re shivering hard enough to shake this computer as you

Dear Goddamned Beagle,

Normally I wouldn’t say self control is your strong suit. You leap, you chase, you steal, you’re busy beagling 24/7, making your opinions and desires known to all.

I’m just going to come out and say it: You were horrible last night. There’s really no point in denying it, Beagle. You were incessant and annoying, and frankly disruptive.

Dear Goddamned Beagle,

I understand how exhausted you must be. Jumping up on to a desk and stealing someone’s lunch in under 5 seconds really takes it out of a person.

Dear Goddamned Beagle,

Of late we’ve been working on curbing your lightening-fast and revolting habit of finding every scrap of organic material on the ground and eating it. Dead things, littered food scraps, often-unidentifiable orts of grossness all warrant intense scrutiny, and often ingestion.

Dear Goddamned Beagle,

I’m very sorry you’re under the weather. No fun to have nasty things happening at all ends, and it’s clear you feel lousy.

Dear Goddamned Beagle,

You pull like a freight train. You steal people’s lunches. You regularly have to be removed from tables.

Dear Goddamned Beagle,

I don’t know what’s up with you today. Perhaps it’s the weather, maybe the impending trip, maybe the lack of available Things to focus on, but if you don’t mind me saying so, you’re completely off your head.

Dear Goddamned Beagle,

Feet and heads are normally separated by a body. This is an important part of anatomy, and one that, frankly, I’m used to.

Dear Goddamned Beagle,

I do understand that until recently no one had thought to teach your brilliant mind about things like higher learning. Or sit. Or down.

So though it may seem premature in your education, I’m going to refer you to the classics and a story about Pandora’s Box