Browse Every Goddamned Article I've Ever Published

Once a child who couldn’t resist “borrowing” the neighborhood dogs, Marjie Alonso grew up to make her passion her profession. She spent decades as a dog trainer, behavior consultant, and executive director of animal behavior nonprofits. Over the years she shared her life with Emma, an American Eskimo, Betty and Addie, a pair of Greater Swiss Mountain Dogs, Nellie, her first beagle, and now Alice, along with countless foster dogs. A devoted parent and storyteller, Marjie writes with humor and heart about the joy, mischief, and everyday conversations that make life with dogs so deeply meaningful.

 

Marjie has just completed a memoir about taking her sons to meet their biological mothers in Paraguay and a reckoning about adoption. She writes essays for publication, and has a weekly Substack.

The Manual: You're a little late on your reading Beagle Goddamned Beagle

The Manual: You’re a little behind in your reading, Beagle

Dear Goddamned Dog, Of your many quirks, stopping suddenly in front of me to eliminate as we’re walking is the one most likely to cause my ...
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A Mere 5 Months In: And a real life service Beagle Goddamned Beagle

A Mere 5 Months In: And a real life service Beagle

Dear Goddamned Beagle, It has been a minute, as they say. This is for many reasons, the primary of which is that most of my waking ...
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Goddamned Beagle

Your First Thanksgiving and how we all survived

Dear Goddamned Beagle, Congratulations on surviving your first Thanksgiving. And all it took were five adult humans, two and a half adult dogs (one of them ...
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Dear Goddamned Puppy Goddamned Beagle

Dear Goddamned Puppy

Dear Goddamned Beagle, It’s my fault, really. I called a couple of your new Aunties to say how great you are. Sure, you’re a puppy, but ...
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Foster Dog

Goodbye, Dear Goddamned Beagle

Dear Goddamned Beagle, Seven years and ten days ago a bug-eyed raccoon x dog x cat x goat creature stared at me suspiciously, and I in ...
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An announcement of worse boredom Goddamned Beagle

An Announcement of Worse Boredom

Dear Goddamned Beagle, I'm sorry. What more can I say? Human lives are different than dogs' lives in several ways. For starters, after you get up ...
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Goddamned Beagle

Hello Cutie Pie!

Dear Goddamned Beagle, According to the internet, which is never wrong, dogs are able to perceive nearly twice as many frequencies as humans. If one looks ...
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Goddamned Beagle

It’s Been A While, Beagle

Dear Goddamned Beagle, It has been a while, I know. A very long while. There is a word in human, "umwelt," that means "the world as ...
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Goddamned Beagle

I Still Win, Beagle

Dear Goddamned Beagle, I am not someone who enjoys Fritos. I should, I guess, as I like other salty, crunchy things very much. But Fritos, no. ...
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Goddamned Beagle

You’re Disgusting, Beagle

Dear Goddamned Beagle, Yesterday we had a very rare day off. I celebrated by starting off with an extra-long stationary bike ride, while you celebrated by ...
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Goddamned Beagle

Oh Really, Wendy?

Dear Goddamned Beagle, We have been fogey-sitting now for days. Many days. Hundreds and hundreds of days. I move from couch to table as I work ...
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Colleagues

Seeing Eye

Dear Goddamned Beagle, You're aware, I assume, of the exploits and heroism of some of your colleagues. There are dogs that run into terrifying situations to ...
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