Dear Goddamned Dog,
I understand how bonding it is for families to eat meals together, and also that your current Kong amuse bouche of banana, beef, kibble and sweet potato provides much to talk about.
One minor complaint: However clever your tool use, your insistence on repeatedly slamming your projectile of joy against the floor and couch, and sometimes my shin, and therefore distributing frozen bits of guck only where I’m sitting, in and around all electronics and in the least reachable area for vacuuming is really freaking annoying. It also forces me to think about vacuuming, which is upsetting.
And while I appreciate your clear intention of sharing both mealtime and your meal, I don’t actually *want* those bits you’re leaving behind on the rug – any more than you do. You don’t fool me, goddamned dog. You’re just leaving me the parts you don’t like.
Love,
Your Person