Private Bathroom Requirements

Author: Marjie Alonso

Once a child who couldn’t resist “borrowing” the neighborhood dogs, Marjie Alonso grew up to make her passion her profession. She spent decades as a dog trainer, behavior consultant, and executive director of animal behavior nonprofits. Over the years she shared her life with Emma, an American Eskimo, Betty and Addie, a pair of Greater Swiss Mountain Dogs, Nellie, her first beagle, and now Alice, along with countless foster dogs. A devoted parent and storyteller, Marjie writes with humor and heart about the joy, mischief, and everyday conversations that make life with dogs so deeply meaningful.

Marjie has just completed a memoir about taking her sons to meet their biological mothers in Paraguay and a reckoning about adoption. She writes essays for publication, and has a weekly Substack.

Dear Goddamned Dog,

You are Swiss. This means you like snow. Alps. Cheese. Cuckoo clocks. Really even grass trimmed with hand scissors. Edelweiss.

That means that it is completely unacceptable that you refuse to go outside with me while I shovel your private bathroom. It is also unacceptable that you bark insistently until I come back inside. And while I understand that you feel I possess great powers, refusing to walk at all while staring at me balefully helps neither your energy level nor my humor. Plus there are only so many Kongs a dog can have until she needs that bathroom area you’re refusing to use.

It’s times like this I regret having sent you to private school.

Love,

Your Person

Private Bathroom Requirements

Author: Marjie Alonso

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