Dear Goddamned Dog,
Much is made of dog body language in my circles, and many an assumption has been made of a dog’s emotional state based on a single photograph.
I bring this up because I’ve noticed something about you. As you know, I see no point in you having a flattish head if I’m just going to waste it, and so at times I like to balance things on your head.
The thing I’ve noticed is that when I balance non-food things on your head, you seem fairly happy. But when I balance food things on your head, you seem… concerned.
I’ve given some thought to this. While yes, it’s true that you look tortured by the presence of something on your head, I suggest that it’s only the presence of food on your head that’s the issue – and that’s because you’re trying so very hard not to eat it. Within that flat head, engaged in mortal combat, are your id crying, “eeeeeeat iiiiiiit,” your superego shouting, “NO!” and your ego telling both of them to knock it off, because it looks bad if lose your mind and there’s a click and a treat coming if they’ll JUST CALM DOWN.
I know all this, dog, but others do not as they view photos of you in these instances. It would be a shame if I was hauled off on animal abuse charges, as who would then prepare your meals just the way you like them? Who would give you that previously-balanced food to snack on? So if you could just try and look a little happier when balancing food on your head, I’d really appreciate it.