Private Bathroom Requirements

Dear Goddamned Dog,

You are Swiss. This means you like snow. Alps. Cheese. Cuckoo clocks. Really even grass trimmed with hand scissors. Edelweiss.

That means that it is completely unacceptable that you refuse to go outside with me while I shovel your private bathroom. It is also unacceptable that you bark insistently until I come back inside. And while I understand that you feel I possess great powers, refusing to walk at all while staring at me balefully helps neither your energy level nor my humor. Plus there are only so many Kongs a dog can have until she needs that bathroom area you’re refusing to use.

It’s times like this I regret having sent you to private school.

Love,

Your Person

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